For years I’ve said I want to do this, or I’m going to do that, or that I “plan” on or “am going to” do this that or the other. But I never do. Why? Fear. Fear is always the answer to this endless cycle of great ideas gone DEAD.
What am I afraid of? Success. Failure. Meeting goals. Not meeting goals. Putting myself out there. Being judged. Being liked. Not being liked. Getting my way. Not getting my way. See the pattern here? Get the idea?
My biggest setback really isn’t taking action….because I can take action all day. Ill jump into almost anything or any idea head first. It’s the follow through that is so critically lacking for me. I’ll get started on whatever new adventure I am going on, then, right at the moment when things will waver this way or that is when I give up. My self-confidence folds. My fear and struggle set in. Where I got this nasty little trait I have no idea. All through high school and even younger grades I was hardcore, head down, run things over like a maniac to get them done type of person. I wasn’t the most popular. I wasn’t well liked. But I kept my head in my books, and my eye on my sports and all was alright. Even though it hurt terribly to not be accepted in school, I numbed my feelings and masked my pain by excelling in everything I put my mind to.
As an adult, I am severely lacking in those proponents that made me Me back then. I guess I could place blame on the jerks and asses that were “mean” to me back then or for them tearing me down when what I needed was a pat on the back, or simply a friend. But I just can’t.
I’m an adult now. I’ve been through more trials and tribulations than I want to count. I’ve lived a whole nother life or two since I was in school. So how could I blame my current condition on something that happened to me over 15-20 years ago? I don’t feel I can. I can only blame myself, really. All those trials and tribulations I mentioned; well, I made it through them pretty ok. I’m sitting here writing this entry which would be proof enough for me. I grew from them. I’ve changed over the years. I usually came out on top in a better place and situation than I was in before I walked those shadows of hell.
So, why the continued lack of confidence and fear? I really am not sure. Maybe it’s my insatiable need for perfection. I can be a bit of a perfectionist. Not OCD type, but definitely a perfectionist. If I feel as if it can’t be done to my expectation of “perfect” then I give up. Or, if I fear that my “perfection” won’t meet another’s perfection, I give up. Or if I feel my idea won’t stand up to expectations of the World….you got it….I give up.
The last year or so I’ve worked very hard on changing that, and I have made some HUGE headway. I’m on a great roll now on doing what I want the way I want without “outside” interference. 2012 was a progressive year for me, from beginning to end. My hope is that 2013 is an even MORE PROGRESSIVE year yet and that I continue on this road of …….
Fighting off My Fear and Running Toward my Strengths.