I am not a very openly expressive person, but I can be VERY TALKATIVE.
Anyone who truly knows me and has spent any time with me knows I just love to talk. I can and have talked for hours with friends. Beginning a good conversation before dinner; keeping it going through dinner; talking through the Sun setting then watching it rise the next morning. Don’t be too bothered, they did get some talking in as well.
BUT, the catch to this is, I’m not totally openly expressive. Lemme explain.
I have a very rough, harsh and blunt way of communicating. I used to just say what was on my mind, or how I feel with no real concern to how it may affect others. Not to say I was completely oblivious to this, because, well, just telling about it here is witness to my ability to see this possible flaw.
Because of this trait of mine, I’d been told by numerous people that I was hurtful, careless, and thoughtless.
Now, actually, I don’t feel that way. I’m not responsible for the way you feel. I’m not responsible for the way you take what I say. I say it. But it is you, You who interprets and internalizes it. It is not my responsibility to constantly ask if you understand, if we are ok, if I hurt you. It just is not my job…..
But because I know I can be hurtful, harmful and cold in the way I speak, I always find myself being guarded.
It IS NOT my job to make sure you understand or that I didn’t hurt you….yet I find myself constantly checking. Apologise are a constant from my mouth. Always worried that I have offended or am being heard correctly, or that I’m not being “too much”; “over the top”; “too obnoxious”. Always vigilant in masking my TRUE EXPRESSIONS. I’m so sick of it.
That is who I am. I am obnoxious. I am talkative. I can be crude. I am blunt and raw-fully honest.
This is not my first attempt at a blog. Nope, I’ve actually had this blog up for over a year or so. I had one before this one. I went in and deleted all the previous posts from my most recent incarnation of this blog. Why, because I needed to start fresh for me.
I’ve always been afraid to write. Scared of what to say. Scared of not having something TO say. Scared to offend or put people off. Scared of pissing someone off. Its time I stop being afraid.
Those who KNOW me have always said that all these traits I’ve referred to here as a flaw, are some of the most lovable and admirable traits I have. They always remind me that with all of these “flaws” comes another side. My bluntness = transparency. My honesty = trustworthiness. My candidness and forthrightness = no holds barred attitude.
SO many great things have happened for me in the past year, so many things I wished I would have shared. But it didn’t. “Who would want to hear about that?” “Why would anyone even want to know?”……
I don’t really care anymore. I will express me, the best way I know how, and in the way I do best. Curse words may come out. Negative views may be expressed. (heaven forbid anyone have a different view besides the constant rainbow and glitter that is insisted at all times) I may even get a bit fluffy bunny, or health and organic concerned.
Im like a superball, my ideas and conversations go everywhere, but I will not guard myself and what I have to say anymore. I will not suppress what I truly mean to say what I feel would be best accepted.
There are a few of you, but those of you who love me for every inch of my flawed and strange self have inspired me to be the person you love for the world. No longer will I hide in the shadows Enchanted Wolf. No longer will my bones be sodden with grief of fear Bones. No longer will I quiet my soul Lillith Craft. I thank you for loving me as I am. And for my husband and my children, I will continue to grow and be the better person ever around the corner. I pray I never find her, for once I do, what then shall I work to become?